Empathy through Performance Challenges

Is it possible in practice, not just theory?

Making tough decisions as a leader is part of your job, but oftentimes it still can feel awful. I am not sure you’ve ever had to let anyone go, but it sucks and it never gets any easier. Looking someone in the eye and letting them know that their employment with your organization is coming to an end, and it’s non-negotiable, it’s one of the most gut-wrenching experiences you’ll have in your life.

But even the step before that, in performance improvement conversations (I’ll dedicate a future post to PIPs specifically), seeking to help someone get back on track, it is still difficult. Especially when you have exhausted all of the resources, training, coaching, and peer support, and you still aren’t seeing improvements.

What I have found with many leaders is that they are on one of two extremes: They are cutthroat and ruthless when it comes to performance, so employees are demoralized or in a state of fear if their performance slips, or the leaders are overly generous, therefore employees don’t have any sense of the gravity of their performance issues until it’s too late. They may even keep the person in the organization because firing them would be cruel.

“They’ve got a family.”

“They’ve been here such a long time.”

“They’re doing their best, I don’t want to be unfair.”

I want to take a moment to reset on what the actual definition of empathy is. According to Merriam-Webster, empathy is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

If I dissect that definition correctly, when you are being empathetic, you can put yourself in the shoes of another person temporarily to genuinely see and feel the situation at hand from their vantage point.

But you notice the definition doesn’t say that you shield the person from feeling, thinking, or experiencing anything.

For those who are at the second extreme I mentioned, they are seeking to shield the underperforming employee from what they would potentially feel, think, or experience as a result of the difficult conversation about urgent performance change or termination.

That isn’t empathy.

And hear me out. Even if it was empathy, that means you are playing favorites or rationing your empathy reserves, because by keeping the underperformer unchecked, you are NOT shielding anyone else on your team from what they may potentially feel, think, or experience as a result of the difficult situation of pulling extra weight to make up the performance gap. Don’t they have families too? Haven’t they been doing their best too? Then how can you treat them as if they are of less consequence?

So if you were truly being empathetic, how should you handle a situation like this, particularly if you need to let someone go? I won’t go through the entire coaching process I do with clients, but I want to share three practical steps that you can’t leave out:

1) Take time to verbally recognize that being in their seat is difficult, especially if you know the person has been working hard in their role. It’s crushing and embarrassing to realize you are not cutting it in your role, and everyone knows. The employee needs to know that you understand what they are dealing with.

2) Ensure they know this is not a personal attack, especially in a termination discussion. The employee needs to know that it’s not about who they are as a person. They are not a failure. This is not a reflection of their character or value. It is about the work, and what happens to the team if the work remains undone or done below the necessary standards to keep moving everyone forward.

I’ve been fired before, and you truly feel like something is wrong with you. You question yourself. You beat yourself up. It’s uncomfortable, to use the mildest language. So gaining insight about what has happened in the context of the bigger picture allows your employee to see that you aren’t trying to harm them, but this consequence is necessary because of what’s at stake for everyone. As a leader, you represent the entire team’s interest, not individuals.

3) Hold space and be prepared to answer questions honestly. The last thing this employee needs is your prepackaged, microwaved script that HR gave you. Shoot straight, don’t dance your way around the questions you’re being asked. Be vulnerable. They want to know you’re not a machine who is coldly doing this, but a human being who feels, just like they do.

Each step of the way, you should be asking yourself how you would feel if you were the person sitting and listening to what you are saying. While we all aren’t the same, we can give ourselves a gut check on how what we say comes across to others.

So whether you want to accept the decision if you were the employee or not, would you feel that you were heard? Would you feel that the decision was made fairly, but also with care and concern? Would you feel that you were supported, and not left out to dry?

Final Word: Empathy is about showing up with humanity, even when the moment is hard. One of the most powerful actions you can take as a leader is to make tough decisions with both clarity and compassion. That means holding people accountable and still honoring their dignity in the process. Because whether people love the outcome or not, they will remember how you made them feel when everything was on the line.