Just Say the Thing!

No one wins when you dance around the issues.

I was in a coaching session with one of my clients, a C-suite executive, and he was sharing some of the challenges he was navigating with two of his VPs.

To keep the story short (and vague, for privacy purposes) these two VPs don’t get along well, and the relationship is continuing to deteriorate. I took the time to dig in him as to what conversations he had with the two direct reports, what solutions he had already tried, etc.

As we continued our discussion, it became abundantly clear that he hadn’t quite been direct with either of them about what he saw in their relationship, or what the impact was on the divisions below them.

So I flat out asked, “when do you plan on sharing these sentiments with them? It doesn’t sound like they have a clear understanding of the gravity of what’s going on here.”

And that got me to thinking… (as client conversations usually do)…how often do leaders actually just say the thing?

There is the constant pull to “play nice in the sandbox”, be “politically correct”, or my personal favorite, “not ruffle too many feathers”.

But that is doing your team a complete disservice.

If you sugarcoat, downplay, or straight up ignore issues, they’re likely to get worse, not improve.

Think about it this way:

If you have a wound, and instead of getting medical treatment, you just let it bleed or simply lightly tap it with paper towel/toilet paper, do you think that will help it get better? Or are you simply leaving room for it to continue bleeding, or worse, get infected and cause more harm to the rest of your body?

It’s the same thing within your organization and direct team.

Tiptoeing around problems or quietly letting them fester instead of confronting them head on only creates room for greater issues that will then deepen and spread further. Before you know it, you’ll look up and the dynamic within the organization will become more toxic than you could have imagined, and you’ll be wondering, “when and how did it get this bad?”

The next question may be “How do I actually tackle these kinds of conversations without blowing up the team or making things worse?”

Well, I’m so glad you asked :)

1) Stop making assumptions! Don’t jump to the conclusion that your team can’t handle difficult, direct discussions. You are working with adults who likely have had to navigate conflict in their personal lives. They don’t need to be coddled or placated. They value honest, clear, and complete communication. When you hold back or walk on eggshells, you are not giving your team all the information they need to make decisions, change performance, or shift behaviors.

2) Your approach makes the difference. No one says you have to yell or be obnoxious or aggressive in order to resolve conflict. You can take time to speak to the parties individually before bringing together. In your discussions, you can highlight the adverse impact not only to their relationship, but also to the rest of the team’s performance and morale. It’s important they know that the conversations are not personal attacks or a reflection on who they are, but rather a reminder about what’s at stake, and the fact that the issue is bigger than one individual.

3) Leadership isn’t easy. You can’t skip resolving situations within your organization simply because it causes discomfort. Your team is looking to you to see how you manage when the going gets difficult. They look to see how you handle pressure, conflict, frustration, everything! They take their direction about how to navigate challenges from you. If you set the example that it is possible to resolve conflict through clear communication and a shared focus on objective solutions, your team will be able to follow that guidance.

I know that “saying the thing” can apply far beyond just conflict resolution, but I wanted to give this topic its own time to shine because so many of the challenges I see amongst leadership teams and within leader-employee dynamics are driven by the fact that people are too afraid address discomfort, disagreement, and discord with others in the organization.

Final Word: At the end of the day, your willingness to have the hard conversations is one of the most powerful signals you can send as a leader. It tells your team that you respect them enough to be real with them, that you take the health of the organization seriously, and that you won’t look the other way when something needs to be addressed. That kind of leadership builds trust — and trust is the foundation that everything else sits on.

So the next time you feel yourself holding back, softening the message a little too much, or telling yourself “it’ll work itself out,” ask yourself: “what is my silence (or sugarcoating) actually costing me? What is it costing my team?” More often than not, the answer will be more than you’re willing to pay.

Say the thing.